Designing A Better Waiting Room

I am not Mike Brady, architect extraordinaire, designing split-level buildings that are all carbon copies of the house that houses my bunch. But I DO feel qualified to assist my doctor in designing an office waiting room that won't raise a patient's blood pressure during the two-hour wait.

The waiting lounge should be on the ground floor, so no unnecessary elevator rides will be inflicted on the patients. All elevators are good for is to excite little hick children who have never been to a mall. It doesn't matter how big the office complex must be to remain ground-level. Bright red trolleys can be used to carry patients from the waiting room to the exam complex. That will please the little hick children who have never been to the zoo.

Speaking of little hick children...they shall not be permitted to roam free. At the door, each child will be strapped onto a Hannibal Lecter hand truck (that's the real name for a dolly, people) and a hard plastic mask shall be affixed to the child's face. The mask will have curved tubes leading to the child's ears, so that any screams will be fed directly back into the child. Plus, the little hick children will enjoy the WhoVille design of the self-screaming masks. Special hand trucks will be available for parents with more than one child in tow. With a Lego-like interlocking design, a hand truck could even accommodate the OctoMom's brood.

Seating will be recliner only. A distance of five feet must be maintained between recliners, and none shall be set directly across from another. Walls will be rocky, flowing waterfalls. Patients may check out a puppy or kitten to stroke while sitting in their recliner. Those with insurance may choose a mini-giraffe left over from the DirectTV commercial. Those with double insurance coverage can choose a baby unicorn whose farts smell like strawberries.

One section of the waiting room will have a big screen TV and serve free beer and pretzels, just like you used to get on the Anheuser Busch brewery tour, before InBev ruined it all. Patients with insurance can have Michelob Dry. Double-insured patients, or the insured who are alcoholics, can toss back a shot of sweet, sweet Histinex.

Another section will show The Trouble with Angels on a continuous loop. Which is a most scathingly brilliant idea, if I do say so myself.

Children will be forced to watch the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, with Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, so they can see what happens to boys and girls with various vices.

When time for the actual physical exam, a partition will be set up around the patient, and blood pressure readings will be taken in the waiting lounge. Then the patient will be driven on a trolley (and allowed to ring a brass bell) to the doctor's inner sanctum for the exam proper. Weigh-ins will be at the end of the visit.

Each patient will leave with a gift bag of band-aids, Ace bandages, a thermometer, triple-antibiotic ointment, and a lime-green T-shirt that says, "Wanna play doctor?"

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I am available for private consultation for all of your design needs.