The Secret Life Of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom leads a secret life.

At night, she sneaks out of her Mansion and drives back to Newmentia. What's eight dollars' worth of gas to a woman so independently wealthy? HM shrinks herself like Santa in The Santa Clause, and vapors her way through the keyhole.

Once inside the building, she shambles up and down the hall, dragging her bursitisy knee, dripping snot, hacking just to hear her cough echo through the empty schoolhouse. Mrs. HM bumbles from locker to locker, peeping inside until she finds her science texts. She chortles through her stuffed-up nose as she takes a textbook from one locker, and places it in another. Feeling exceptionally ornery, she grabs eight books and shuffles to the opposite end of the hall, where she deposits them in a senior locker.

For her next trick, Mrs. HM removes all writing instruments from select lockers. From others, she takes the science textbooks and tosses them in the lagoon behind Newmentia. One receives special treatment, a dunking, and a return to the proper locker.

Satisfied with her mayhem, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom drives back home. She sleeps a fitful four hours to enhance the dark bags under her eyes. The next morning, she's off to school to torment her poor students with a book check.

You see, it really isn't the student's fault that she doesn't have the right book. (Nobody ever writes their name in those things. What do you mean it's not the one checked out to her? It's the one she's been using every day). It's not the student's fault that he doesn't have a book at all. (His locker is way too crowded and full of books). It's not the student's fault that Mrs. Hillbilly Mom checked him out a book that was all warped and wavy from water damage. (He knew she would try to blame it on him at the end of the year. Everybody could see when she got it off the shelf that it was warped and wavy. The whole class saw it).

And it's not the student's fault that he hasn't had a pencil for the last two weeks. He didn't think he would need one. He had a bunch of them in his locker, but somebody took them. It's not the student's fault that her book is not in her locker, because people in this school take it. They don't want their own book to take home and study, or to carry all the way to class, but they want her book, because obviously it is the best book ever, answering its own questions and turning them in for an 'A' on every assignment, its pages just dripping with snacks like Skittles and gum and sunflower seeds and beef jerky. She didn't want that special book that is in such high demand.

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom leads a secret life.