Friday, July 22, 2011

The Borrower

I am a bit perturbed with Farmer H. I know, you say, "How uncharacteristic of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom!"

For a while now, I have been thinking that he's using my razor in the shower. It's a big walk-in shower, with sliding doors. We lay things on top of that door-framey thing. No shower caddy for us. There's a little tube of conditioner, two razors, and Farmer H's toothpaste and toothbrush, because he can't brush over the sink like a normal person.

Last week I got out a new razor. They're the plastic disposable ones, in different colors. The package is stored in the top right drawer of the sink cabinet dealybobber. I'm drawing a blank on what that's called right now. The word divinity popped into my head, but I know that's the white fudge people make at Christmas that is so sweet it makes my teeth hurt to think about it. Anyway, it's not like there's a razor shortage around the Mansion. And besides, Farmer H has a mustache and a goatee kind of thing going on, so it's not like he needs a razor all that much.

So anyway...last week I got out a new razor. And after a few days, it seemed kind of dull. Duller than a new razor should be. A new razor should still be nicking and drawing blood if you aren't careful with it. And mine seemed to be not doing its razorly job very well. I looked at Farmer H's razor, an entirely different color, parked beside his toothbrush. It was not wet. Since Farmer H had left for work a couple hours previous, I thought maybe it had dried. But to set a trap, I placed my old-new razor with the end on a little mark on the metal of the door frame.

The next day, my razor was still on the mark. Farmer H's razor was still dry. But the day after that, oh ho! My razor was not lined up on that mark, and it had water droplets on it. So of course I went to the drawer and got out a NEW razor, pink instead of purple, and put it away in the medicine cabinet when I was done. And put the old-new purple razor back on the mark. Two days later, it was moved again.

I asked Farmer H if he had been using my razor. "Well, only on my beard."

That meant that I had to lecture him on hygiene and inquire as to WHY he thought he could use my razor at will. "Oh, that's nothing. So I used your razor. I don't have one." Let the record show that at no time did he bother to throw away his used-up razor. He left it by his toothbrush. As a decoy, I'm thinking. And he used mine. Because he was too goshdarn lazy to get a new razor out of the drawer.

I asked him, perhaps a bit sarcastically, "What's next, you're going to use my toothbrush to scrub your butt?" And he said, "There's an idea."

Now I have to hide my toothbrush.

8 comments:

melyssa said...

I have the same problem. And I just recently SPLURGED and bought the $7.99 fancy pants one with three razors so my pits don't get all hacked to pieces during tank top season, and lo and behold, it is not nearly as sharp as a $7.99 razor should be. And hubby's chin are suspiciously smooth. Smoother than Bic ($3.99 for a six pack) should be.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Made me think of the two guys who won a drawing at WalMart. The one guy won a years supply of spagetti and sauce, while his buddy won a toilet brush. Later when the winner of the toilet brush asked his friend how he liked his prize, he replied that he was quite happy and asked him how he liked his ..... he said it was okay, but he was thinking of going back to paper. Relative of Farmer H?

I have to confess to using the razor of he who does not have a goatee or moustache from time to time, but I have never used his toothbrush!

Chickadee said...

Ewww what is WRONG with him?? I wonder what you could borrow and use that would gross him out?

I hope you leave that razor that he's been using out and continue to hide your new ones. Sooner or later he'll have to replace it.

Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

Eww. Just be glad no one in your family would *actually* do filthy things to your toothbrush. My sister did it to me-- apparently more than once. In fact, I think that was her go-to method of revenge throughout our childhood and adolescence.

Josh Hoyt said...

Yeah u better hide it and hide it good you'll never know until after you use it one day and he just has a smile on his face:)

Hillbilly Mom said...

Melyssa,
With your deductive skills, I would not be surprised if you were offered a bid to join Mystery Inc. Unless that jealous Velma tries to shut you out. :)

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Kathy,
That's a possibility. Farmer H grew up without indoor plumbing.

As for using He Who's razor...that's perfectly acceptable. It works fine for you to use his. It's the other way around that's OH SO WRONG! Because I said so.

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Chick,
I DO leave that one out. And he will, too, because he never throws anything away.

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MommyNeeds,
Thank the Gummi Mary, all my sister did was bring me a glass of boiling hot water when I was laid up after knee surgery. Sure, I might have scalded my esophagus... but at least I didn't dehydrate.

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Josh,
I am so glad to receive advice from the enemy camp. Now I KNOW my hunch was right. Farmer H will go to the ends of the earth to find my new razor.

Because you were so kind to supply me with that insight, allow me to offer you a tip from our team. When we have some delectable morsel that we don't want you guys to eat, say, perhaps, a chocolate Easter bunny that we've saved for four months... we wrap it in foil and put it in the back of the refrigerator. Please keep that bit of information to yourself. It is highly classified.

labbie1 said...

I am thinking Farmer H's razor gets used next time Mrs. H needs to do the bikini thing and then cleverly placed back on his side. ROFL!

Hillbilly Mom said...

labbie,
I don't think he would notice or care, since he sees nothing wrong with using my razor anyway.