Monday, July 19, 2010

The Itchy And Scratchy Show

First cat out of the bag this morning, at 5:30, which is way darn too early on a Monday during summer vacation, Farmer H announced, "I will probably have to come home early today." OK, first he asked if I was asleep, which is not freakin' likely, since every morning he plops down on his side of the bed to put on and tie his work boots, which gives me a bed ride like I'm a balsa wood model of a prime piece of real estate on an overzealous engineer's state-of-the-art shake table. But enough with the geologic references.

Why would you have to come home early?
I can't see.
If you can't see, you have no business driving to work.
Well, I can see NOW.
Then why would you have to come home?
Because my eyes are going to swell shut.
How do you know that?
They are puffy, and they itch.
Why are they puffy?
I don't know. I might have poison ivy.
How did that happen?
I'm guessing it was Saturday night, when I pulled weeds out of the yuccas.
I think yuccas ARE weeds.
There you go, making fun.
If you got it Saturday night, how come you were fine all day Sunday?
I don't know.
Wouldn't you have been itching and puffy on Sunday?
Maybe I caught it Sunday at Elephant Rocks.
Because there's poison ivy growing on rocks?
There you go again.
Well, if you can't see, just call in.
I'm going to work.
If you get there and your eyes swell shut, I'm not coming to get you.
I'll call the doctor from work.

To shorten a long story, Farmer H left work at 2:00 so he could go to the doctor. The doctor wasn't sure what is wrong with Farmer H, but gave him a steroid shot and some steroids. I'm surprised they didn't order a full-body MRI or just cut him open for exploratory surgery. Farmer H has endured every test known to man. I think his doctor sees him as a cash cow of sorts. The last incident was the recommendation of tubes in his ears, but ended up with that upside down vibration episode that required Farmer H to miss nine days of employment (and the procedure did NOT get rid of his dizziness).

Thank the Gummi Mary, the boys and I do not catch poison ivy. Which is a good thing, what with Farmer H pawing at all the door handles and sink faucets and remote controls and whatnot for the past two days.

I have a sneaking suspicion he also wallows on my pillow before I go to bed.

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