Friday, September 17, 2010

The Chronicles Of Karma

Here's a little tale out of Newmentia, hot off the tongues of the students. I can not vouch for the authenticity of the particulars, since I am out of the loop. So far out of the loop, in fact, that I am not near the far side of Pluto, not at the tippy-end of a major spiral of the Milky Way, not on the opposite edge of Alpha Centauri, but so far out that a deep space salvage crew would never ever run across me and haul me in with a hope of something more valuable than Ripley and Jonesy in the Nostromo's escape pod. Narcissus. Not me. The escape pod. That was its name: Narcissus.

Getting back to our little story... The dude who wanted to be called Diary Ahh was up to some shenanigans this week. Allegedly. Newmentia had a new substitute, a fresh young thing, not one of our jaded, iron-fisted subs, so beloved by the faculty. Sub inquired as to the whereabouts of a certain absent student, and Diary Ahh, ever the helpful Eddie Haskell, responded. "We traded him for some beer money." A dialogue ensued between the two. Diary Ahh then commenced a retortfest with a female student, who gave as good as she got. Diary Ahh told the Sub he had a medical issue, and needed to visit the office.

Here, the accounts diverge. Some say that Diary Ahh walked out of the classroom (which he had done in another classroom over his right to get a drink when he was thirsty. Which he wouldn't have been, had he eaten those 30 grapes he brought to lunch every day for a week, rather than chucking them around the cafeteria). Others say that he was sent to the office by Sub. In any case, the story resumed when Diary Ahh was thrashing on the floor of the office with a seizure. Or WAS he? The call went out from the ceilings of the classrooms to keep students in the rooms. Sirens were heard. First responders responded to Newmentia. They lifted Diary Ahh onto a stretcher. They greased up the paddles of the defibrillator...and Diary Ahh jumped off the gurney and shouted, "I'm OK now!"

After some TLC in the back of the ambulance, Diary Ahh was released, and proceeded to walk home. But it gets better. Allegedly.

The next morning, Diary Ahh returned to the scene of the seizure. He was greeted by a staff member. who inquired, "Hey, Pisa! What you got in that box?" (You're right. This staff member was not in the English department). Diary Ahh replied to the inquisition, "A bomb."


Diary Ahh received an offer he couldn't refuse. His presence was requested immediately in the inner sanctum of Newmentia. Shortly thereafter, he was escorted to his locker, which was scraped clean, and sent on his way on foot toward town. But it gets better. Allegedly.

Diary Ahh visited the administration building, where he was summarily give the heave-ho by the grand poobah. Who in fact notified local law enforcement that Diary Ahh had made a threat against the triumvirate of Newmentia, Basementia, and Elementia, and should not be allowed to step foot onto such hallowed soil. But it gets better. Allegedly.

Diary Ahh, before receiving the boot, had demanded an audience with the school board that evening at their monthly meeting. A meeting which requires speakers to be placed on the agenda at least a week in advance, though any patrons may attend the proceedings as spectators. Sunshine law and all. Not having been placed on the agenda, Diary Ahh was denied his audience with the board. But it gets better. Allegedly.

Local law enforcement picked up Diary Ahh and placed him on a 24-hour hold. He was in the lock-up during the board meeting.

Karma is most certainly a b*tch.


Jennifer said...

Have Diary Ahh and other students of Newmentialand been watching Fast Times of Ridgemont High and Summer School????

Reason I ask is that while waiting for batches to do their thing in the canner tonight.. I watched Sean Penn and Judge Reinhold and then Summer School and I think Diary Ahh needs new material.

Please tell me it's normal to want to type Diarrhea Ahh everytime I start to type Diary??

Oh and loved the pepper up the nose would have thought after yesterday I had learned a lesson.

But no.. made jalapeno poppers tonight for hubs and..while I didn't rub a thing.. the bite was too much to handle on the palate.

How many days till summer?

Chickadee said...

Woah. I shudder to think the other escapades you have had with Diary Ahh in your class. Aren't you glad he's gone?

Hillbilly Mom said...

I love those movies. I doubt that Diary Ahh could be bothered to sit quietly and watch a movie. The actual alias he preferred had something to do with poo, so I picked Diary Ahh to preserve his anonymity.

I am OH SO PLEASED to report that Diary Ahh was not in any of my classes.

I am never happy when a student stops being a student. What is Diary Ahh going to do now? I fear that gainful employment is not at the top of his list.

On the other hand, we all breathe a sigh of relief when a squeaky wheel is sent elsewhere, because it means that we can concentrate on educating the students who actually want to learn. As opposed to those who turn up on our doorstep at the age when most students are graduating, with no credits, and throw home-broughten fruit in the cafeteria, and demand that the grand poobah be brought to him to discuss the violation of his rights every time he is disciplined for breaking long-established rules. Allegedly.