On The Road With Flim Flam Artist H

I got a call from the credit card fraud department tonight. Seems that somebody tried to make a fraudulent charge of $1 for gas at a Shell station. Hm...wonder who that could be?

World Traveler H was on a business trip today. Not an exciting business trip, like that time he went to Brazil and got a questionable work permit for two weeks, during which time he was told that if anybody official walked in, to put down the tools and act like a salesman. Or the time he flew to Wales, and was not allowed to rent a car, because, well, he doesn't drive that well over here. Or the time he was sent to close down a plant in New Jersey, and came home with a new used riding lawnmower. Or even the time he went to visit the big boss on Long Island, and stayed two houses down from Betty, the famous author who just died, who turned out to be Katharine Hepburn, in the grave two years already. Nope. This was just a trip to Indiana.

His boss must have forgotten the Wales itinerary, because Interstate Road Trucker H was sent to pick up a truck that the company bought over the internet. A Ford 7000 flatbed truck that drives like a car, but is as long as a bus. Or so says Auto Appraiser H.

On this young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk--oops! That was Rochelle, Rochelle, of Seinfeld fame. On Truck-Fetchin' H's journey from Missouri to Indiana, he used our personal credit card for business pleasure. They always make him do that. It's a bone of contention with Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. Surely a company with outposts around the world can afford a business credit card for their travelers. But NO! Anybody who has good enough credit must use his own card, and write up reimbursement documents upon return. And anybody who doesn't have good enough credit gets his plane ticket and trip accoutrements paid for by the dude with good credit. I don't know which is worse, being the dude with good credit, or the bankrupt slacker. At least this time, Santa Airline H didn't have to buy an extra round trip ticket to a foreign country for his travel companion.

The credit card fraud department called to report an attempted charge of $1 for gas at a Shell station in New Baden, Illinois. What a Nellie Oleson! Hows about waiting until until something really expensive is declined? Botherin' me with a triflin' single bill, by cracky! I pay more than that for my Sonic soda every day. But far be it from me to perpetuate fraud, or gladly suffer those who do. So I called the fraud department back, from the number on the rear of the credit card, because you can't be too careful these days in bandying about your card numbers and SS#.

I didn't have enough information to confirm or deny that $1 charge, so I called Distracted Driver H, taking his attention away from driving the truck bus through downtown St. Louis, making him miss his lane to or from some bridge and rerouting him somewhere I can't even fathom. I'm directionally challenged, you know. My aunt and I once got lost seeking the Casino Queen, and you can see that all the way across the river. We made the mistake of pulling over to ask a cab driver down by the old courthouse. My aunt was actually surprised that he spoke with a heavy foreign accent. But that was my pleasure, not Working Man H's business.

Spendthrift H confirmed that he had tried to charge $50 of gas at the pump, but was declined. So he went inside, where the clerk asked if he had used his credit card in multiple states today, and told him their pumps are very good fraud alerters. Furthermore, Sugar Daddy H informed me that he had charged gas twice in Illinois, and once in Indiana, and that the truck held 100 gallons, and that he had also charged vast repasts at Cracker Barrel and Bob Evans. That, my friends, is why Reverse Midas H is not allowed to carry the checkbook.

The second call to the fraud department cleared up all these card usages, so I would not get a call as each one was posted. Oh, and Michael the service rep, the one with no discernible accent, unlike my first rep, Andre, who sounded Indian, dot-not-feather, told me that he was releasing the hold on the card so that Money Tree Growing H could use it again tonight. And I even thanked him for it!

I do not mind getting fraud alert calls. I welcome them.