Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Great Goat Head Saving Scheme

The hay feeder has been modified so that goat heads can't be caught. That was done by removing some slats, so there are bigger openings for chomping jaws and horned heads. The drawback is, the billy goat climbed into the feeder and was standing in the hay, munching to beat the band. That news was reported by The Pony. I can picture that little white goat inside that feeder, looking like a caged circus animal on the Barnum's Animal Crackers cookie box with the little string handle.

Today, Farmer H spent the afternoon down in the woods, putting in new fence to make his goat pen even bigger. I'm hoping that does not mean more goats will be joining us here at the Mansion. The Pony went out to help him, and I heard him holler, "Dad! That goat is stuck in the fence again!" To which Farmer H replied, "We'll get her out after a bit." About an hour later, The Pony entered the Mansion and informed me that they freed Nelly, but that she was now stuck in the fence again.

I told Farmer H in no uncertain terms that he needs to fix that fence so that goats can't get their heads caught in it. We are going to Mississippi for three days, and nobody will be here for the hourly removal of goat heads from various cracks and crevices. THREE DAYS! A goat can not stand with its head stuck in a fence for three days in the middle of June in Missouri. It will die. No water. It can't lie down. The dogs might get into the pen and eat it.

Farmer H had informed the #1 son, on a ride to and from a cast party for a play in which the #1 son did not appear, but provided electronic augmentation, that he was going to remove the horns from the goats. That was, until #1 looked it up on his fancy phone internet doohicky, and enlightened Mutilator H that such a procedure is painful and dangerous to the goat, resulting in blood-letting due to the amputation of part of the goat's freakin' head. I think once the goats reach adulthood, it is too late to go sawing off their horns.

The new plan is to...wait for gotta hear it to believe it...tape a 7-inch piece of wood between Nelly's horns. Excuse me for a minute. - - - - - - - - - - - - Whew! I was laughing so hard that my fingers were shaking. I simply can not let him do this. It is an abomination of nature. Goats should not have 7-inch pieces of wood duct-taped between their horns. No. Not for three days. Not for three hours. Never. Carpenter H did not say what kind of wood. I don't know if it's a 2 x 4, or a stair post, or a bed slat, or a hickory limb. He was non-specific on the wood. But I know that it is OH SO WRONG on OH SO MANY levels.

Help me.


Chickadee said...

You know the other goats will gnaw that wood off Nelly's head in an hour. But I know that's the least part that is wrong with this plan ;)

Hillbilly Mom said...

Of course they will. And the duct tape, too. Because they're goats. The only thing they don't like is fresh lettuce. You can lead a goat to lettuce, but you can't make him eat it.