Saturday, August 21, 2010

Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's NeverEver List

You know how most kids can grasp the basics of how to behave at school? Stuff like staying seated, waiting to be called on before talking, bringing pen/paper/book to class? Well, some kids not only don't know the basics...they lack a ticket for the Appropriate School Behavior Sweepstakes. They begin each day as a fresh adventure, traipsing lackadaisically down the road to Inappropriateville.

Let's take a look at Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's ever-increasing accumulation of specific infractions that have occurred in her classroom. Infractions which students should NOT need to be told are not permitted. We shall call it The NeverEver List.

Students in Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's classroom should never, ever...

*take a heaping handful of GermX, rub your hands together, and use that GermX as hair gel.

*ask to use the bathroom during a test, be out of the classroom for 20 minutes, not show up in the boys' room by Mrs. HM's classroom, nor the boys' room at the far end of Newmentia, but instead be found in the library at the book fair.

*draw a picture of Mrs. Hillbilly Mom during the lesson, holding it in such a fashion that Mrs. HM will see it upon strolling about the classroom, with a caption by the unflattering artist rendering that reads: Mrs. Hillbilly Mom, the ugly, ugly science teacher, so ugly even the dogs don't like her.

*stand at Mrs. HM's desk to chat after blowing your nose on her tissues, tossing the tissue box back and forth like a cat toying with a ping pong ball, until you lose control and chuck that tissue box into Mrs. HM's right shoulder.

*wipe your slimy snot under the edge of a desk so that when Mrs. HM puts her hand there in an effort to straighten up that desk, a thick ribbon of shining, elastic snot stretches out for 10 inches while the rest of the class gags with Mrs. HM.

*get caught breaking 5 never evers by sitting behind Mrs. HM's desk in her rolly chair while clutching her stapler and clicking out staples, and upon being asked by Mrs. HM, "What do you think you are doing?" reply that you are getting a handful of staples to throw at somebody.

*take a big stack of tissues to your desk and when questioned as to what your plans are for all those tissues, state, "I was going to cut them up in little pieces."

*use an allen wrench from your contraband tool kit to shorten one leg of your desk two feet, especially when it is your first day back from alternative school, during 1st hour, when you are the only person in that row.

*use your saliva to clean dry-erase marker off the board.

*hide behind your purse to peel an orange during class under the mistaken assumption that nobody will smell the citrus-y goodness.

*ask to borrow a paper clip and then bend it and jam it around your front teeth and say you have braces.

*holler out, "Hey, guys! Would you still like me if I had a tail?" after connecting 10 straws end-to-end (which were supposed to be used for constructing a straw tower) and jamming them into the waistband of your shorts, and commence swaggering around the room, swishing that tail.

*set a trap of backpack straps to snare Mrs. HM's foot as she walks by, and tell her, when she asks if you're trying to kill her, "No. I would use poison."

Don't, for an instant, think that is a complete list.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

This is why I don't teach ...... I would end up in prison.

Chickadee said...

OMG did this happen in just the TWO DAYS you had class???

Wow, you're really going to have your hands full this year.

Hillbilly Mom said...

My mom had a friend who was an elementary teacher at the same school as my mom. The friend had a nervous breakdown. After recovering, she took a job teaching the GED class at a local medium security prison. She said it was much less stressful at the prison.

No, thank the Gummi Mary, it didn't all happen in the first two days. This is a compilation from my teaching career. A kind of 'greatest hits' list of the most outrageous offenses.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I suppose it would be, they will listen to you there....... it is, after all, a captive audience. Sorry, just couldn't help myself.

Hillbilly Mom said...

That's a good one. The friend said the inmates were well-behaved, because it was a PRIVILEGE to go to classes. I suppose sitting in a classroom beats anal rape by a wide margin.