Monday, March 21, 2011

Every Man's Dream

It's time to get back to my roots. Lest you forget, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom's personal motto is still "People Piss Me Off." I have been a bit uncharacteristically mellow for several weeks. It's time to once again let my b*tch flag fly.

On Sunday, I had a personal encounter with a most annoying male of the species. There I was, minding my own business, trying to buy gas station chicken from a little gal with all of her teeth, when this dude strode in. He thought the joint was his own personal Cheers, perhaps, because he bellowed his greeting to one and all. They hailed him and tried to go about their business.

I had just finished asking for two breasts and two legs. The Dude spouted, "Ah, every man's dream," and commenced to snorting like an 8th-grade boy after snapping an unsuspecting cheerleader's bra on the way to social studies class. Two other customers turned to look at him as he strutted to the fountain soda area. Which was right next to my chicken-procuring counter. I feared their sickly smiles would only encourage him. I didn't look. I didn't smile. A boor is a boor. Mrs. Hillbilly Mom does not suffer boors gladly. A long-time reader might recall the Frat Boy Who Pulled Mrs. HM's Crank at Harrah's episode.

The Dude called out to the manager to hire better workers. "That one's gotta go, Chuck. She's slowing you down. And this one here, you're lucky she doesn't steal you blind." Chuck said, "That's why I'm out here, not in the office." The cashier said, "It's Sunday. Didn't you ever hear of going to church?" They gave The Dude the attention he demanded. They fawned over him. Maybe they were used to him. Maybe they make sure the customer is always right. Though they're not staying in business because of his big-spending ways. He didn't even buy chicken! Only a fountain soda.

One thing I forgot to mention about The Dude. He walked with a cane. A black metal cane, and he leaned on it good. It wasn't a prop or fancy gentleman's walking stick. So the question entered my mind, Would they treat him this way if he was a college boy with a backwards baseball cap? If he was a woman with a lady-mullet and flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off? If he was a biker in leathers with B O R N L O S E R tattooed on his knuckles? If he was a teenage girl with pink, spiky hair and nose rings? What if another persona had entered the store and shouted the same remark? What if I had turned around and said that I found his comment to be offensive? Which customer is right, then?

We'll never know. Because I didn't say anything. When you grow up with rednecks, you become accustomed to their antics. I know that I would have been just as annoyed no matter who said it. My two breasts and two legs are nobody else's business.

I really hope that they didn't humor The Dude because of his cane.

And I think I might need to seek a more upscale bistro to feed my battered poultry habit.


knancy said...

Just another egocentric, self centered, spoiled brat of the male species. I have seen this behavior quite often in males and sometimes in a few women. However, men seem to get away with it more and come away with an audience that becomes interactive to his performance; where as a woman is usually just tolerated (and upon leaving the scene is called a witch). Same old story, if a man does it, it is gospel; if a woman does it, she is burned at the stake. Sounds to me like he is a misguided misogynist due to his defamation of the female clerks. I would imagine his cane is used to mete out pokes, shoves and abrasions to pets, kids and girlfriends.

It’s not enough that we have to tolerate the angst at our jobs. The stress at our stops to and from our employment is full of crap, too. I think I would find a drive through that has some form of your chicken desires (even Captain D’s has fried chicken)! At least you would be ensconced in a separate physicality and a more sane area of mentality (unless, of course, your server starts throwing planks, nuggets or peg legs at you)!

labbie1 said...

"trying to buy chicken from a little gal with all her teeth" Ohmygosh!!!! Funny!!!! No comment on Mr. Cane...rosebud???

Hillbilly Mom said...

It's a shame you were not with me at Harrah's when a drunken frat boy tried to pull my crank. I WAS LIVID! And I said something. And his giggly female companion gasped, "Oh my god, I think she said something to you!" The whole experience is posted somewhere back in one of my blogs, but I don't remember the title.

HA! I found it:

As for the chicken...this is the closest place to my Mansion, unless you count Hardees, and their batter-dipped chicken tenders, which are pretty good in a pinch. But The Dude might go there, too.

Well, it was just unusual, because the regular chicken girl is missing a lot of teeth.

Apparently, Mr. Cane gets everything he wants.