Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Hillbilly Mom's Most Craptastic Day EVER As Far As Being Consistently Craptastic Hour By Hour

I forgot my lunch. So I had to pay money into my school account so I could eat the school lunch for the first time in...oh...I don't know...two years, give or take an indiscretion when I also forgot to bring my lunch.

First Hour, a kid accused me of calling 'Bill' 'Lil'. Like that was even an option. They don't look a thing alike. Bill is swarthy and square and Lil is a ginger, and fair. So I told Accuser that maybe he would be able to hear me if he cleaned the chew out of his ears. To which he ducked his head and murmured, "I don't chew with my ears." (Please note that his friends sold him out last week when they explained that he's late for my class first hour because he is in the bathroom spitting out his chew. Class act, that dude.)

Second Hour, a new release from self-imposed prison, that being in-school suspension, switched the colored caps on my dry-erase markers as part of putting temperature conversion problems on the board. Hardee har har! What a card that young 'un is! He did not help his case by declaring that during his 3-day sentence, turned into 10 by the snow days, he did not have his books, so he did absolutely none of the work so painstakingly gathered and sent his way.

Third Hour, a kid said that since his partner is moving, and he, himself, is going to be moving, he sees no reason to work on his science project worth 200 points that will be due in three weeks. Except that he's been moving since before Christmas, and his partner moved early in the year, and returned within a week.

Fourth Hour, the students demanded to know what they could do to make the Never Ever List, even submitting proposals such as, "What if I sneaked in here and replaced all of your lights with red lights?" I think they're too young to understand that they're basically proclaiming that I'm a hoor, as they say out east.

Fifth Hour, a kid on double-secret probation for disappearing during a trip to the bathroom asked to go to the bathroom. I told him not without an escort. So a thoughtful lass who sits near him shouted, "Who wants to watch Dude go to the bathroom?" And his regular watcher shot his hand up too quickly, and rescinded his offer after the hooting of the Dirty Mind Club.

Sixth Hour, I was blessedly free from harassment, but found Little Big Man mopping up the women's faculty restroom for some odd reason. So I had to use the commoners' bathroom, where there are no paper towels, only a blower.

Seventh Hour, the Feel My Butt boy tossed back my borrowed calculator, which hit my hand while I was entering grades, resulting in an odd symbol where the points go. That boy needs a good yank on his chain, or a knot in his tail.

Oh, but I forgot...during the time I was prostituting myself Fourth Hour, I got a call from Basementia Buddy, who stated that she had a little talk with The Pony for saying some unsportsmanlike things about BB's son. She said he looked like he was going to cry as he went to lunch. I told her that he was most likely crying into his corn dog, and probably would continue to do so for the rest of the day, because The Pony is an odd little duck, and BB said that she felt bad, and thought she should apologize, which I thought would traumatize him even more. And then I had to tell her, "You know that today's his birthday, don't you?" So BB felt even more evil, and said she was going to organize a happy birthday chorus for him in the cafeteria.

I also forgot that I left my vibrator laying out in plain sight at the end of Sixth Hour, for all my Seventh Hour to see. They said nothing. Don't get all freaked out. It's the vibrator from the inside of a horseshoe-shaped neck pillow thingy that I used after my thyroid removal, when the back of my neck hurt way more than the front part that was sliced. That vibrator dealy-bobber is great for a sinus headache if you put it on 'high' and hold it on your forehead. It vibrates all that loose snot down into the nose where you can blow it out, and relieves the noggin pain.

I can't imagine why I had a headache.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

You need a Neti pot. Instead of a vibrator. I have been using one since fall and my mind blowing sinus headaches aren't as severe or frequent. It won't help with the problem students, well maybe if you used the Neti pot on them while they were sleeping ...... nevermind, I think that is illegal.

Tomorrow will be better I hope.

Jennifer said...

Sounds like Spring Break needs to come sooner then later.

Hillbilly Mom said...

My teaching buddy, Mabel, swears by the Neti Pot. But I don't think I could pour anything up my nose. Maybe I'm not understanding her description. I use saline solution from The Devil's Playground every morning. A couple of snorts usually keeps me headache-free. But if I miss a snort, I have to resort to the vibrator.

Perhaps you haven't heard...our Spring Break is called SIXTEEN FREAKIN' SNOW DAYS. At most, all we ever get is Good Friday and the following Monday. Now Monday is gone, and Friday isn't looking too peachy.