Monday, May 10, 2010

Why Johnny Can't Run

Is is just me, or is there something inherently wrong with the announcement, "All students going to the cadaver lab today should meet in the cafeteria."

Does that not sound like there are cadavers in the cafeteria? Doesn't it make you wonder exactly what (or whom) you will be eating today in your school lunch?

Speaking of the cafeteria...I have a recently-adopted pet peeve with this entity. I know it's the end of the year, and all school lunch programs operate at a deficit, and we mustn't be wasteful with Uncle Sam's coffers. But that does not give us the right to poison the future of tomorrow! Let them eat baloney, I say! Not as punishment, mind you, though that is a cool fantasy. No, let them eat baloney because it is more nutritious than the decayed slop that is being force-fed to public school youths as summer nears.

Two kids walked past the teacher table today, and were overheard telling the cooks, "Mine has mold on it." Uh huh. That was the packaged dessert Apple Filled Jammer Sticks. According to the Missouri state DESE website, the Jammer Sticks will store for a year frozen. Just thaw and serve. So why are these Jammer Sticks moldy? Did we get them in May of 2009, and hoard them until now? Or did we get them, thaw them, and keep passing them out day after day if we didn't use all that were thawed on the first day? How old, exactly, are these Jammer Sticks? Can no cook find an expiration date and use common sense? It's not like they're actually cooking anything. Heck, they're probably not even thawing anything. Just re-warming day after day after day after day.

That's how the old coach got a moldy hamburger back in ought-two. Contrary to popular belief and state law that no food should be kept and re-served the next day, the cooks had been keeping the hamburgers overnight. For many nights, apparently. Coach took the lid off his burger to apply condiments, and found MOLD! That right there would have sent Girly Girly Man H into spasms. He has a thing about MOLD. He can't even touch a bag of moldy bread to throw it out. But this was worse. The MEAT had mold on it. MEAT! How freakin' old does meat have to be to grow MOLD? Not just any meat, right off the steer. SCHOOL MEAT. MEAT that has been processed to the nth degree. If your school meat is growing mold, something's rotten in Hillmomba!

Back then, Coach returned his tray to the lunch line and told the cooks that he had moldy meat. You would think something like that would be a shock to their system. But no. One of them said, "Oh, I thought we picked all the moldy ones out of that bag." Uh huh. That's what cooks do instead of cook. They pick moldy burgers out of the bag. They were really polite. "Here. We'll give you two more." Coach didn't want two more. Coach didn't want one more. Coach didn't want school meat any more. Period. There was no pacifying him, even when the cook said, "You know, some mold is good for you. Think of penicillin."

Those Apple-Jammer kids today were hungry, hungry adolescents. They took the proffered Apple Filled Jammer Stick like a strung-out junky takes crack. That's the thing. The government guidelines say that ketchup is a vegetable. That Apple Filled Jammer Sticks are part of a nutritious school lunch. I beg to differ. No doubt the Jammer Stick is filled with demon high-fructose corn syrup. Even though the bill of lading doodad called nutritional information just lists 'starch'.

That's why kids are fat. They eat free government school breakfast, free government school lunch, and free government school dinner. Yes. Dinner. Have you not heard of a 21st Century Grant? We have one here in Hillmomba. It's one more program for taking care of kids whose parents, it is assumed, will not. Why should they even try, if the government will raise their kids for them? So Johnny is shuttled off to school every morning to be fattened and babysat from 7:30 a.m. until 5:00 p.m., at which time he will be bused home to lay on the couch and decompress while watching TV until bedtime, if he has one.

That, my friends, is why Johnny can't run.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

preach it, sistah!! That is why my kids and now my grands take their lunch to school.

ingasmile said...


Chickadee said...

Did you watch any of Jaimie Oliver's Food Revolution on ABC? That was quite the eye-opener for me. And I could never quite grasp why that town was up in arms over some guy trying to help them eat better.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Oh, it gets worse. The #1 son said a kid at his table unwrapped his Apple Filled Jammer Stick and started to take a bite. "Hey, see that blue spot? I think that's MOLD!" He broke open his Jammer Stick, and the whole inside of it was blue mold.

Why can't people see that it's the government food making these kids fat? When I was in school, the cafeteria served REAL food, like ham & beans, chicken pot pie, spinach, peach/pear halves, etc. Not this processed crap and a thimbleful of diced fruit. Kids used to love that spinach, with a little pitcher of vinegar stuff to pour over it.

The town was up in arms because they were being made to look like pork-fed fools. They were touted as the fattest town in America, it seems. The cooks were mad because they would have to COOK the food, and the administration was mad because it would cost them more money to serve real food, and the kids were uncooperative because, well, they're KIDS and that's the thing to do.

I appreciate his effort, but he seemed a bit condescending toward the porker community.