Sunday, June 5, 2011

Day 3 of H-cation: The Velcro Technique

What I won't miss during the current H-cation...

Day 3 of H-cation:

3. The Velcro Technique

There is a disturbing situation that befalls me whenever Farmer H is in the house. The Mansion is not big enough for the two of us.

Oh, I realize that he's attracted to me. Why wouldn't he be, what with me putting out all that honey to attract his inner fly, my magnetic personality, my gravitational pull, my rainbow and unicorn outlook on life?

No matter where I am, there's Farmer H. Perhaps at one time, I might have likened him to The Sidler, that Seinfeld dude at Elaine's work who appeared out of nowhere, startling everybody, until she gave him a box of Tic Tacs to act as a cat bell.

If I beat him up (by arising early, not by physical abuse), Farmer H will find me, just as I'm about to hear a news story I've been waiting on for 55 minutes, and plop down as close as possible, talking a blue streak like we're long-lost kin, separated at birth.

If I stand at Frig to fill a cup with ice, in comes Farmer H with a bottle of Mountain Dew that must be put into Frig at that very instant, not by walking around the other side of the cutting block unencumbered, but by rooting his shoulder between me and the ice dispenser, reaching over to the refrigerator side.

If I am washing dishes (by hand, HELLO, I still don't have one of those newfangled contraptions called a dishwasher) and running a trickle of hot water for instant rinsing, Farmer H invades my space to crank the faucet to fill his plastic water bottle for tomorrow, changing the hot water to cold, necessitating a 90-second re-heating period.

If I am at the counter, carving some edible items for supper, Farmer H needs matches or silverware from the cabinets in front of me.

If I lay down for ten minutes while supper is cooking, Farmer H finds me to chat.

If I take or make a phone call, Farmer H appears and butts in with vital information that is apparently a matter of national security.

If I have watched an entire show to see who is voted off, eliminated, nominated for eviction, fired, etc...Farmer H chooses that time to make an entrance from, or exit to, Poolio, all the while bellowing various trivial facts he's learned while on the internet at work that day. hooks are flapping freely in the breeze, enjoying a respite from those clingy loops.

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