Friday, June 3, 2011

Eight Things I Won't Miss While Farmer H Is Away

Not quite the 12 Days of Christmas, but the 8 Day of H-cation will have to do. Don't get greedy and think I'm going to share all eight items at once. Not likely. I'm going to drag them out. In a torturous manner. Over eight days, perhaps.

Day 1 of H-cation: What I Won't Miss.

1. The Sheet Thief

I will not miss trying to turn in, only to discover that I am going to be sleeping on a sliver of sheet and mattress cover. We have fitted sheets. And a fitted mattress cover. How Bedmate H can usurp both every night before I get to bed is beyooooond me. Sometimes, I can tug on my edge, and gain a little ground so that I don't have to lay on a humped-up elasticky border. Other nights, I am not so successful.

Bedmate H prefers to surround himself with sheet. We're talkin' the bottom sheet. He would drape himself in sheet if it was socially acceptable. Bedmate H rolls himself into the center like a giant, overstuffed, living/breathing taquito. A humongous, XXXL, behemoth of a taquito. He spins himself around a longitudinal axis, like a crocodile rolling to drown its prey.

I am going to sleep soundly tonight, on top of the fitted sheet. There will be no deep, red indentation in my flesh when I arise to start the day.


Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

My spousal unit does not hog the sheet-- he pushes it away from him. Far away, and right away. He only wants to be under the blanket or comforter and can't stand having a sheet between him and the blanket. This means that I have TOO MUCH sheet to deal with, so I end up with my half of the sheet AND his half, but his half gets all bunched up and I end up rolling over on top of the wad and still wake up with those burny red indentations from lying on top of sheet lumps. That or I unintentionally roll myself up like a burrito in the excess sheet and it takes me ten minutes to peel myself out of my sheet prison in the morning. None of this would happen if he would just keep the sheet straight like a normal person.

Men. Why can't they just cooperate?

Hillbilly Mom said...

I gave up on the top sheet after strangling myself in an inadvertent shroud. Farmer H pulled that thing up until the bottom was at waist level.

Seeing as how you are an unwilling, crocodile-rolling, burrito-wrapper, you might look into eliminating the top sheet.

That would be a good alternate title for my H-bashing book: Men. Why Can't They Just Cooperate? I'll give you a shout-out in the acknowledgments.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I have come up with a solution to the blanket/sheet hogging problem. Since he who snores is also less than considerate of the cover sharing issue, I have my own blankee. Like a toddler. I flip around in the middle of the night when the sound of snoring annoys me awake, putting my head at the foot of the bed and sleep soundly with my blankee.

Hillbilly Mom said...

I, too, have my own blankie in the winter. Because a quilt is not enough. The head-foot thing would not work for me. I have an aversion to feet. The thought that Burrito-Roller H's tootsies were mere inches from my face would keep me wide awake. As it is, he whomps me with a leg-whip every now and then. I don't need a broken nose.