Saturday, June 18, 2011

Look What The Stats Dragged In

Looky what the stats dragged in this week!

nother name for a child perv-I assure you, Mrs. Hillbilly Mom is not a euphemism for a child perv. Seriously. I have yet to hear someone disparage an individual by saying, "Yeah. He's a real Mrs. Hillbilly Mom. Keep your kids away from him."

hillbilly baby shower-I might write about a hillbilly. I might write about a shower. I might write about a baby. But never in all my blog days have I written about a hillbilly baby shower. What kind of gift would you bring to one of those, anyway? A tiny little wife-beater? A moonshine jug retrofitted with a nipple? A corncob rattle that doubles as a pipe? I'm not going to suggest miniature overalls. My baby had a pair. Do you know how hard it is to make a diaper change on a baby encased in miniature overalls?

egg woman to another woman-what's this, some secret language between egg whisperers? Does one say out the side of her mouth to another, "What's kickin', chicken?" Or, "How's it layin'?" Or, "You crack me up."

oil o'clock-Yes, I suppose it's oil o'clock somewhere. It's that time when Jed goes out shootin' for some food, and up through the ground comes a-bubblin' crude. Oil, that is. At oil o'clock.

"nose in a circle" field trip-Now why didn't I ever think of that? You could take students anywhere! Perhaps an educational trip to a nitroglycerin factory. "Everybody step over to the wall. Now each of you put your nose in one of those circles. There you go. Our guide here is going to tell you about the factory. Don't move." Oh, the places we could go! Coal mines. Skyscraper construction. A razorblade packaging plant. Biological weapons lab. Guillotine trial-run facility. Nuclear weapon testing ground. The possibilities are endless.

Oh, there's more. But I don't want to spoil you. Better save some for you to savor at a later date.

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